The Holiday Season

Every year since 1981, the holiday season is one I've greeted with mixed emotions. I lost my Dad that year in November and it really put a damper on the holidays for me... I was relatively young at the time, and while I had shared some good years with him, he had JUST retired and I was getting to see him in a whole new light. Unfortunately, he passed before either of my Daughters were born.

After their respective births, the holidays once again took on a new light. Not much matches the joy of children at the sight of a huge roasted beast, a table filled with non-customary foods and the smells that accompany them filling a house... or the purchase and trimming of a Christmas tree and seeing the presents start to appear under it. These are times made for families, and you get great joy from the opportunity to spend time together and draw upon memories from the past, and make new ones for the future.

As time has passed and my children (and I) have gotten older, the holidays changed again... my eldest moved out, and having her back for the holidays was always a welcome sight. She was local for a few years, but for the past four, she's been quite a distance away... but she always makes it home for at least ONE of the 'big holidays'. Seeing her now is even more enjoyable, knowing that she has survived college and is making rational decisions on her own, when she comes home it's a relief to know that she's making her way in the World. Fortunately, my youngest is still home with us, but it won't be long before she breaks free for college and we'll go through this transition again.

This year, once again, there is a major change in how the holiday season will be viewed. My Mom passed away a few months ago, and while losing Dad was tough... this is much tougher. She was the anchor of our family, and the source of those great sounds and smells you associate with the holidays from your youth. While they were young, the girls had the chance to spend the day with Gram while she was preparing things, including cooking and baking, and fortunately they were able to learn some of the tricks and the recipes (for the most part) were handed down. I'm just starting to feel the impact of this recent change.

For the past 6-7 years, she's spent most of her time house bound with arthritis and failing vision, and my Wife, Daughters and I have been taking care of many of her needs- medical appointments, financial services, shopping, chores and the like. Every holiday season, I was given the lists for food items to buy, early on accompanied with strict instructions of "make sure you get the right brand, don't buy that low fat crap, it's okay to buy a bigger one but not a smaller one" and other admonitions. But as time progressed, I think her faith in my ability to do the job right improved, and I just got the list.

Over the recent weeks, trips to the grocery store which is brimming with holiday food items and ingredients have been more emotional for me than I ever imagined them to be. Last week, the sight of pitted dates, walnut halves, nut bread mix and candied fruit... ingredients for something as stupid as fruitcake set me off. Last night, it was the bags of ribbon candy and peppermint straws- I wasn't a big fan of the stuff, but every year, a red ornament shaped covered candy dish and a cut glass stemmed dish filled with both was on the table.

Fortunately, we will be having Thanksgiving with my Wife's family this year... and I think I'll buy a turkey to smoke after the holiday, but I couldn't bring myself to make the traditional family stuffing or buy the ingredients to make any side dishes. Maybe next year.

As for Christmas, we've all decided we can't be home this year, so we're going away and spending it together as a family in a place substantially different than home... Disneyland. It's as make believe as it gets, and maybe it will give me a chance to make believe that everything in my world is alright again... even if it is just for a few days.